Casino stories: real life and fantasy

I played exclusively in spinners where you had to catch free games.
The machine greedily ate the first 500 rubles.
line7
start
three kings
Win 10
start, start, start
- Two, bitch, where's the third!!!
start
Three hats
win 25
- Just shove them up your ****, give me three faces!
Start, start, start
Balance 0
- Holy shit, he won't let me!
The second five-ball flew.
- Let's try the ninth one.
Line 9
Start, start, start.
The balance was melting before our eyes, there were 132 credits left.
- There are three masks!!!
8 free games
- Come on, ***.ina, you've almost eaten a ruble. Put hearts. The maximum combination for the whole freebie is three gramophones.
Win 146.
- Fuck, I got back 290 rubles, thank you very much.
Start, start, start.
Balance 0.
There were 420 rubles left in my pocket. I took a sip of the already cold coffee.
- Yeah, fuck it, - he shoved in 400 rubles.
Start, start, start.
Balance 0.
I went outside, lit a cigarette. I felt really bad, empty. After losses I always felt like I was hit on the head with a shovel. Nothing hurts, but it's like I'm in space, in zero gravity.
...
I sat at the machine for about two hours, moving my balance back and forth. It was as if the machine was playing with me, sometimes lowering me, sometimes raising me again. My phone vibrated in my pocket, I looked at the screen "Businka" (Natalia). I ran like a bullet into the common room of the cinema, so that she wouldn't accidentally hear the hoots coming from the machines:
- Hello, hi.
- Hi, why haven't you called me? It's already two o'clock in the afternoon, and there's been no call or text from you. - Natalya said in an offended voice.
- Sorry. I'm just busy. I'm here at my grandma's for now, I asked you to help me. I'll be free in about 2 hours, no sooner. Let me come to you at about 5.
“Well, come on, see you later,” Natalya said in the same offended voice and hung up.
I returned to my poker. The machine continued to "*******" me, driving the balance back and forth, but still, about an hour later I withdrew 500 rubles and switched to Admiral gaminator. I chose the game Marco polo/camels and put in 500 rubles. The same five-ruble note was still in my pocket.
Start.
Literally on the fourth or fifth scroll, I heard, so caressing to the ear, the cherished:
Thump, thump, thump.
- Yes, f..k. Well, come on.
10 free games.
Start.
It was free. The winnings were gradually increasing below.
Thump, thump, thump.
Extension. These three heads of the werepeople brought me boundless joy and happiness, exactly the same feelings as in childhood, when my mother unexpectedly gave me some toy.
Start.
- Give me more!!!
Free games are over.
Win 1174.
Start.
Balance 1562.
I spun it up to 1500 and withdrew. The thought of leaving didn't even cross my mind. Although I already had 2000 in my pocket. I moved to the next machine. I lost 500. The next one. I picked up 1200. And these swings continued for quite a long time. Time lost all meaning for me. My phone vibrated in my pocket. "Businka", time 17:21. "F..ck, I'm fucked." With these thoughts, I again ran out into the general hall of the cinema like a bullet:
- Hello.
- Sasha, where are you? It's almost half past five.
- Businka, please forgive me, I got caught up in my grandmother's business and lost track of time. I still have a lot of things to do here, and it looks like we won't be able to meet today.
The snowball of lies and deceit grew larger and larger.

I acted completely automatically, I didn't even have any doubts or torments. I didn't think about the consequences, about what I would do if I lost. I didn't care about all this at all. The gambling swings started again. I kept running from machine to machine. Sometimes I lost, sometimes I raised a little. And like a fool, I would wrap the money in the receipt after the rise, and then take it out again if I lost. Well, finally, this whole gambling whirlwind came to its logical conclusion.
Balance 0.
Absolute zero.
I don't remember how I ended up in the car, sitting and looking into the distance at one point. Music from the slot machines was buzzing in my head, the same one from the "Dendy" console. The clock showed 20:47. I spent eight and a half hours in the gaming club. No thoughts. A completely empty head. Where to get money for utilities? How to pay? What will happen next? Questions to which I did not know the answers.
I took out my phone and started calling my friends:
- Hello, Lyokha, hi, I'm calling on business. I have problems, can you lend me some money?
...
On Monday, I made a photocopy of the payment receipts at the copy center. I took a ruler and tore them in half. As a result, I got two fake receipts, supposedly paid, but without those printed blue codes on the back. I went to my grandmother with them. It worked. She didn’t even look at them and threw them in the general pile with the paid receipts. Now I had time, about three weeks, to pay the utilities without the scam being discovered...

Instead of university, I was sitting in Eldorado and playing poker. It annoyed me as much as possible, the winnings are minimal, even at max bet (ten rubles), and the chances of losing were very high. But I had a goal: to win the coveted amount and leave, and a plan: to play only poker, to make the missing money with minimal bets, with minimal risks. Naturally, the strategies of a gambling addict in anticipation of the game and in the game process are two big differences, after the first lost hundred in poker, a five-hundred flew into dolphins, and then another one, and then the remaining 350 rubles.
And again emptiness, again hopelessness, again absence of thoughts. Only one desire, only one desire - to win back, no matter what it costs me, I have to win back by any means.
I don't understand where this decision came from, no one suggested it to me, I never thought about it before, even the day before, when I was thinking about where to get money, this thought didn't cross my mind. But the fact remains a fact, and I'm already standing in front of the door with the sign "pawn shop". Taking off the gold chain with the cross from my neck, I gave it to the appraiser along with my passport.
- 540 rubles, the amount of interest..., the loan must be repaid in two months, that is, no later than February 12, 2004.
“Let’s go,” I said without the slightest doubt.
I didn't even hear the percentage amount. It didn't interest me. After all, it would only be in two months, and the problem exists here and now. It needs to be solved, and solved urgently.
Coming out of the pawnshop, I thought that at home I still have a bracelet for my hand, which my stepfather gave me two years ago, because he didn't like it, and it was 3 sizes too big for me, so it was gathering dust in a box in my desk. And it's three times heavier than my thin chain. But more on that later. In the meantime, I have 540 rubles to win it back...
...
There was a lot of truth in that call, I was really going home to pick up the bracelet and pawn it, I was really sick and my illness was in its most active phase.
There could be no other outcome to all this gaming madness. A bracelet in a pawn shop. 1660 on hand. Drain. That's it. The end...
...
Evening. I was lying in my room and crying. No, I wasn't crying, I was sobbing, howling like a beluga whale. The last time I cried was probably in the 6th grade. I couldn't stop, I wanted to scream, scream at the top of my lungs. I didn't understand why I was turning from a normal guy, in just a year, into some kind of *****, into an animal that, because of its lust, crosses all its moral principles. My soul felt so vile, this heavy burden was squeezing everything inside. I thought for a long time, didn't sleep until the morning, I just couldn't. Time 07:35.
I came into my mother’s bedroom, touched her shoulder and quietly whispered:
- Mom, I really need to talk to you urgently.
Mom jumped out of bed as if she hadn’t slept at all.
- What happened? Why at 7 am?
- Let's go to the balcony, I'll tell you everything.
I told my whole story from the very beginning to the very end, tears flowed like a stream, the truth was gushing out of me like a fountain. Mom listened attentively. I was insanely afraid of her reaction, I thought she would simply destroy me, but I could no longer continue to wriggle out, building up problems. Instead of shouting and condemning, Mom said in a calm and monotonous voice:
- Sasha, we all, absolutely all, make mistakes in our youth. Only some step on the same rake, others draw conclusions and do not repeat their mistakes. I hope you are in the second category of people and will not get into this crap again.
- No, I promise, never again! It's a lesson for life!
It was as if something in my chest had loosened up and it became much easier.

- San, Dan and I are going to Eldik, are you coming with us? Like a year ago on your birthday, remember? - asked Lekha.
- Of course I remember. But no, guys, I don't play. - I answered.
- Well, don't play, who's forcing you? Just hang out with us. - Denis added.
"But really, who's forcing me to play? I'll just watch the boys play and that's it, what's wrong with that?" That's how my brain fooled me again. Easily, unobtrusively and beautifully. Despite the fact that I hadn't slept all night, sat through all my classes, was squeezed out like a lemon, I still went to the smoke-filled gaming room. I was absolutely sure that I wouldn't play, I made a promise to my mother and I wouldn't break it. But without a single note of torment, literally 10 minutes after coming to the slot machines, I had already exchanged the 1000 that was given to me and 500 rubles flew into hearts. Literally immediately I heard the pleasant sound of a free game caught, three masks were displayed on the screen.
8 free games.
Start.
The guys sat on the sides and the three of us pointed out where the apparatus should place the yellow heart.
5 gramophones.
Win 3000. (one credit 2 rubles)
- Yeeeeeeeee. I finally put the heart where it needed to be. Gave 6000, still 4 games left.
There were no more worthy combinations.
Win 3214
Start
Balance 3308
Collect.
- Cameraman, take it off! - I shouted.
There was a red spot shining on the screen, in the middle of which was written collect 3250.
The operator turned the key, the cashier gave me 6500 and I went home to sleep.
Did my conscience torment me for breaking my promise?
No.
Did I realize that I made a big mistake by playing after a 2 month break?
No.
Did I tell myself that I wouldn't go again?
No.
The game devil, like last year, gave me a birthday present. A present equal to almost two of my salaries. I was driving home and convincing myself that there was nothing wrong with the machines. Well, there were some hitches, now it's all behind me. Now everything will be different, I will be able to control myself in the game, I will just play a little bit, especially since I work now, I have my own money. I sincerely believed in this ludomaniac illusion and it made me feel so warm and good...

I was in the toilet of a gaming club. I was lying to my girlfriend again, because I didn't want to hear any more reproaches, overcoming my sense of shame, in favor of my lust.
I looked at my watch, the time was 11:42. "There is time" I thought and pressed the Start button...
- Sasha!? - hearing a painfully familiar voice, I turned around.
Then I immediately received a loud slap in the face.
- You made your choice! You don't have to call me anymore. I don't want to see you.
It was Natalya! She turned around and walked quickly towards the exit. I ran after her, trying to persuade her to stop and talk. Tears were streaming down her cheeks, she was walking towards the bus stop without slowing down, and I, like a little dog, ran after her, repeating the same phrase, "Please stop, I'm sorry, let's talk." But my attempts to stop her were in vain. The bus pulled up and she drove off in a direction unknown to me. I literally ran to my car and rushed to her house, where I waited at the entrance for about 4 hours, but she never showed up...
..
Days passed. I didn't believe that it was all over and tried to get Natasha back in every way. When I called, I heard "disappear from my life!" in response, and all my flowers ended up in the trash can...
So I experienced my first non-financial loss. Ludomania began to take away people dear to me. I do not absolve myself of responsibility at all, I did it, with my own hands I destroyed such a bright and pure feeling as "first love".
Was I ashamed?
Yes, it was. Feelings of guilt and shame tormented me constantly. I fell asleep and woke up exclusively with these feelings.
But despite all this, I continued to play. Truly believing in the illusion that you can play and do without lying, not understanding that these things are inseparable...

- Svet, why do we have so much money here, why don’t they take it?
- It's New Year's holidays, the financial one won't appear until the 12th.
- I see, okay, let me run to the university, it’s time already.
- Come on, run.
I just, without any hesitation, took one bundle of money with the inscription 89,300, called a taxi and went to the exchange office, having bought 2000 dollars, I put them back in the chest of drawers. I solved one problem, but now there is another problem, to put the money back in the safe. And again these infantile Dudoman thoughts "I will win, I know this for sure, now it will definitely give, I will win, I will put it in and never get involved in this shit again."
In 5 days I lost 247,000 from the safe, having slept for a total of 15 hours. Even when I was not on shift I came to work, to the administrators' office and took money 50, 30, 70. The amounts had absolutely no meaning. I don't know why I stopped. There was more than a million rubles in the safe. But I stopped at exactly this amount of 247,000.
January 10, 2008. The date when I decided to commit suicide. I was sitting on a bench in front of the university, a clothesline in my pocket. “I’m a nobody, I just don’t deserve to live, why am I torturing everyone, Mom, Olga, they don’t deserve all this, everyone will be better off without me. There is no other way, I have to leave.” Taking out my phone, I typed an SMS “Mom, forgive me for everything, I love you very much, I hope you will forgive me someday.” and headed to the park near the university. Why did I type this SMS? A suicide note? Of course not, this is another manipulation of a hopeless gambling addict. To do everything so that he would be saved. Although at that moment it really seemed to me that I would commit suicide. Mom called back and rushed to me within 15 minutes. We sat together in the park and I poured out my soul to her, describing in detail how I cleaned the working safe every day. Mom's condition was changing with every second, it was noticeable, she was holding her heart with one hand, my hand with the other, her hand was colder than ice and was getting colder and colder with every second. She listened to my whole story without saying a word, and as if with her last strength, she squeezed out a barely legible phrase:
- Sasha... I feel bad... call an ambulance... my tongue is tied and my body is numb... I'm scared... I feel like I'm going to die now...