How to stop being a victim of circumstances?

How to stop being a victim of circumstances? 5 steps to work on yourself Anger, resentment, humiliation, helplessness... We don't see anything good in these feelings. But it is with their help that we can change our lives for the better. Psychologist Larisa Kolesova explains how to unlock this powerful resource. A woman of about thirty, absolutely stunning beauty, came to see me in my Moscow office. Her name was Lena. "I'm in a civil marriage," she said, "we have two small children, my husband settled me in a country house outside Moscow, I live there practically alone, I don't see anyone." Lena was from Ukraine, and she had no one here: no relatives, no friends, no acquaintances. And her husband, a wealthy businessman, visited her and the children only occasionally, preferring to live the way he wanted. “He doesn’t let me go anywhere,” Lena complained, “so it’s like I’m in a cage.” No matter how much she begged him, the only thing he agreed to was finding her an easy job as a secretary-referent in some office in Moscow. His driver drove Lena to the office three times a week and took her home immediately after work. When Lena turned to me, she was already in complete despair. She felt that she was ready for any decisive action, but she had neither the willpower nor the real ability to do anything. We began to work on her situation, and it became obvious to me that she was capable of experiencing a deep personal transformation quite consciously. In the course of our work, Lena felt persistence, patience, and endurance within herself. She saw in her difficulties a chance for herself to change her own destiny and find what she strove for with all her soul – a happy, legal family. And then we started to make a special plan with her: it consisted of five steps of conscious internal transformation. Lena chose the written version of the work, and as a result, she and I put together an “Appeal to Yourself” – a text of five points. She took the text with her and left. I did not see her for a month, and then she called. Her voice had changed: clear and joyful. “Unexpected happy changes have occurred in my life!” she said. “I read my “Appeal to Yourself” almost constantly, several times a day, and especially intensively on the way to work. And a month later, my husband proposed to me. He decided so himself, I did not even tell him anything. And now we are married!” This story happened in the early 2000s. Since then, I have used this method many times with different people. And every time I was convinced that it helps to transform almost any traumatic experience: anger, rage, various grievances, feelings of impasse and stagnation, humiliation, betrayal, injustice, fear, shock, apprehension, uncertainty... The possibility of this amazing transformation is rooted in the sacred mythology of sacrifice1. In the therapeutic process, we move from the state of a "victim" of circumstances or other people (through the release of energy) to freedom and enlightenment. Tragedy is reborn into celebration and serenity, sin - into fertility and creativity, a new order appears from chaos. You can work with this method on your own. To do this, you will need a room where no one will disturb you for several hours, and, perhaps, paper and a pen or pencil - to write down or sketch the emerging images. Below I give a detailed description of the "5 transformative steps" method. Step One: "Conversion" Imagine that you are looking into a special truthful mirror or at your magic portrait, which reveals all your inner experiences, all of them, as they are. Mentally address this reflection (or image) of yourself. Step Two: "Description" Describe mentally, out loud or in writing all of your experiences - the more detailed the better. You can even draw them, any way you like, with or without paint, using any visual means. The main thing is that your description conveys as fully as possible exactly what you are experiencing as a result of various events or interactions with specific people. Step Three: "Transformation" Clearly imagine all the participants in your experiences and create their portraits-descriptions. List everyone you remember. Think of them as those sent to you by fate: imagine that they are necessary and sufficient witnesses, teachers, assistants, mentors, gurus, friends (choose the one you feel is right or find your own definition). You can imagine them as still frames or as a mental “video story”, the main thing is not to miss anyone, so the “transformation” stage can be completed many times until the memory calms down. Stage four: “Acceptance” Enter the process of awareness of the experience of experiences and life’s vicissitudes given to you. Treat this experience as a gift, accept it as an amazing gift of that unknown to you internal resource of yours, about which you know nothing yet and only now begin to feel as your strength. In this state, it is useful to apply, verbally or in writing, the formula of the internal attitude “accept this experience without judgment and let it go into oblivion, from where it came”, suggested by Colin Tipping2. In addition, you can use the formula "accept this experience with gratitude and humility and open yourself to its amazing possibilities." There are many options for "acceptance," find the one that corresponds to your feelings at this moment. Step five: "Liberation" Imagine, mentally or in writing, what you want and what you hope for as a result of this transformation and complete liberation and emancipation (happiness, love, fullness of life, material well-being, a good career, success, fateful meetings, creative luck ...). This picture can be created gradually (or, conversely, instantly), it is important that it reflects your state as fully as possible after a deep conscious transformation.